Thursday, January 6, 2011

Family of Origin Anxiety

Back in December I posted about 11 things I no longer need or want in my life.  I made the list and left it at that with the intention of coming back to each item separately to look at it in depth.

Today I am going to tackle the tenth item on my list:  Anxiety around family of origin stuff

When I talk about this anxiety I am really talking about the current stress that surounds my relationship with my brother.   In our relationship I have always been the responsible one, the protector, the fixer.  Only 18 months older than my brother I would think that there would have been less of a chance that I would end up in this stereotypical oldest sibling role.  We were practically Irish twins for heavens sake.  When I think of my brother several things come up.  I feel sad, sick, nervous, and lost.  In my mind I picture a strong, older brotherly figure in my life.  I suppose I have longed for this fictional version of my sibling my entire life.  I have talked about this relationship at great length with my dear friend C.  I have always set myself up for failure in this relationship.  C has helped me realize this through our many conversations.  In my mind I see a brother who truly cares about me and wants to be a part of my life and lives a responsible life of his own.  This is the brother whom I want.  This is the brother my parents would want in my life.  Sadly this is not the truth of the relationship I do have with my brother.  My brother lacks common sense and good judgement and lives a very different lifestyle than my family.  I have only recently realized that we have so little in common.  Isn't that sad.  I think part of me is mourning this loss.  Our only connection, truly was our parents.  Now that both of our parents have passed away the connection between us has passed away as well.  This saddens me greatly.  The strange part is that I like my brother, at least on the surface, and certainly I love him because he is my brother, but when I look deeper I realize that were we to meet outside in the real world he would not be someone I would befriend.  Isn't that an uncomfortable realization.  So what do I do with this?   I truly feel like I have lost my entire family of origin; parents gone and sibling here but gone as well.  How strange.  Breathing deeply and trying to just let go.


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