Happy Thanksgiving

So this Thanksgiving I took the advise of a dear one, I stayed in the moment. I incorporated family traditions, I thought about past Thanksgiving but did my best not to let those memories cloud or sadden today. When feelings did come I sat with them for a bit before putting them away and returning to the moment. Today was a day about making new memories for my family, my children and myself while respecting the feelings and traditions of the past. It was a good day.

Relief!

Today was a good day. Both children went off to school. I worked on making homemade Irish bread. Once the bread was in the pot and on the rise I headed over to Dad's. I brought the Kennedy book we've been reading and my computer so I could show Dad some photos I'd been talking about. I made it over there about 10:30. He was lying on the coach but as soon as I came in he sat up ready to visit. He was bright eyed and seemed better than Monday. He enjoyed looking at the photos on my computer and even commented on the coolness of the computer. Then we read for quite some time. It was a great visit. I actually was so into reading to Dad that I lost track of time and had to run home to get N off the bus!

We also received a call from the health care aide. She'll start on Monday. After that we heard from my brother. The social worker had to reschedule. We'll see her on Monday too. The nurse came out yesterday and checked on Dad and I heard from Dr. O and both are in agreement that alcohol should not be reintroduced into Dad's life. I am relieved that my opinion and concerns are being validated and supported and that Dad will be safe.

Peace!

Anticipation

So my one day workweek was exhausting! All the children were so excited today. You would think that we were getting ready for Christmas vacation not just a few days off for Thanksgiving. The children have been talking about Christmas trees since just after Halloween. Today children were singing holiday songs! The level of energy in our classroom was through the roof, especially with the 3/4 year olds in the afternoon. I think it will be a long few weeks between now and our holiday break.

Just a quick post today. The children are anticipating the holidays as I anticipate what the next weeks and months will bring for my family as we walk with Dad on his final journey. I suppose there is a level of emotional exhaustion that is playing a role in how I feel right now. I'm trying to remember to breathe and live. I'm also working on asking for help. Much has been offered and when the time is right I plan to reach out.

Peace!

Still Reeling

Well as you can tell from the title of this post I am still reeling from the events of this past weekend over at Dad's.  I spoke with the social worker today to ask for her advise and just get  a neutral opinion.  She seemed to agree with me and I think was thankful to have the full picture.  I also asked her advise regarding informing my half sisters about the situation.  She is going to be visiting Dad on Wednesday so hopefully we can bring up the subject with the family and she can mediate the conversation.  

Anyway 'n' and I created a notebook for communication between hospice workers and family.  In time we'll track medication in this binder as well.  'n' made some lovely designs on the front cover as well as some of the pocket pages that I included in the binder.  We visited with Dad yesterday for a few hours.   It was a quiet visit.  He seems to be lost in thought much of the time and when I ask him what he is thinking about he says nothing.  I end up trying to share stories about my children and also memories of my childhood.  I read about 20 pages in the Kennedy book 'True Compass'.  He likes listening and only wants me to read it to him as I have offered to leave the book behind and he has said 'No I want you to read it'.  Sometimes it seems that I am just filling up the space with noise.  I'm not sure if I should just sit quietly and  be.... maybe that is the answer.  It is hard for me however to just be still.  Today's visit was quiet at first but after a while Dad sat up and chit chatted. We talked about how he and Mum met.  He's been thinking about this a lot.  He told me that they lived happily ever after.  He also told me that he was shy.  I just love him so much! He is such a kind soul.  He has had a difficult life.  He has not always made the best choices but then none of us do.  He has always been good to me and my children.  I will miss him so much when he is gone.  

Peace.

Shadow

Disappointment

So it has been a bit of a disappointing day today.

Plans had been made for a visit over at Dad's with some cousins. I got a call from my brother around noon time today saying that Dad wasn't up for visitors evidently he didn't have a very good night sleep last night. I have to say neither did I, but I guess that is beside the point. I think that Dad's unrest was due to some disturbing events that took place last night in Dad's living room between myself and my brother regarding Dad's well being. After receiving the call from B I headed over to Dad's to see how he was doing. As soon as I arrived B came up and offer to help bring in the groceries. (second or third time this has happened in the past 5 or so years!) I brought in the food and Dad was sitting up and looked OK. When I asked him how he felt he said OK. He didn't indicate that he was tired. Then B came in and when I asked Dad if he was up for a visit he said maybe not. I think that if I had a few minutes alone with Dad I could have changed his mind. But I thought considering things that were said to me and about me the previous night it was best that I didn't throw around my "control" so to speak. Anyway I ended up spending the day visiting with Dad. We chatted and shared stories. Later I read aloud from Ted Kennedy's True Compass. As is customary my nephew came up and sat with us for a good length of time. I'm not sure why he does this but he does. It's all very interesting. I am going to have to work on not letting the interpersonal things upset me and settle into my heart and mind. This is a very challenging road that I am walking.

Peace!

Friday Fill Ins

1. We need to live fully.

2. My children came home and it made me smile.



3. If you want to live fully you must accept what cannot be changed.



4.Relieved because in my heart I know I'm right.



5. Massachusetts has a proposed 5% sales tax on elective cosmetic surgery; I think that there are way more important issues to be considered!



6. Family makes for a happy holiday.



7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to relaxing and reflecting, tomorrow my plans include Thanksgiving Parade and Sunday, I want to rest!

Flabbergasted!

So I was watching Larry King Live last night to hear from Patrick Swayze's wife and brother. I couldn't believe the resemblance between Patrick and his brother. That is beside the point of this post. After the segment with the Swayze family a panel came on to talk about breast cancer screening. Evidently a task force of some sort was convened by the federal government to review the efficacy of the current views on mammography for women. I'll be honest I have not done my research on the reasons behind the task force or their results but from what was disclosed last night I am shocked, flabbergasted and gravely concerned. According to this task force women from the ages of 40 to 49 should not routinely get mammograms and I believe they also are suggesting that women in their 50's be screened every other year! Are you kidding me???? Cheryl Crowe and two doctors spoke against this finding, saying it confuses women and also gives the insurance companies a loop hole to refuse to pay for this essential and only screening tool for breast cancer in women. One fact that was shared in the conversation is that breast cancer tumors double in size every three months. If our country adopts these new standards that extra year in between mammograms could make the difference between a stage one and stage three tumor. I believe that part of the philosophy behind the task force suggestions comes from the imperfect nature of mammography in younger women due to the density of the younger breast tissue. I am astonished by this development, particularly when so many people are worried about the future of health care. Why are we giving the insurance companies more power with such dangerous recommendations. I am going to do some research on this tonight and I'll report back with links and hopefully some next steps to protect the availability of mammography for all women.

Peace!


Here is an article with some details about the task force and it's report!

Unexpected Support

So yesterday I expected to talk to Dr. O at some point in the morning regarding Hospice for Dad. Well at quarter to 9 in the morning my cell phone rang and it was him calling from his rounds at the hospital. I was so surprised. He once again went over all the options. Once clarification was made in our conversation. Putting in a trache was not an option as it would irritate and cause swelling and simply be more difficult than helpful. I think that Dr. O felt some pressure from the ENT doc/surgeon. Dr. O pressed me a bit on our decision questioning if it was made out of fear. I assured him that we had thought carefully about the situation and all options. I reiterated that Dad has told us he does not want to end up in a nursing home and that I truly believe that he would end up in a nursing home if he went through with this surgery. I also reminded him of Dad's general health as well as the memory issues that we grapple with on a daily basis. In the end Dr. O came very close to saying he agreed with our decision. He did tell me again that either way would be a difficult road and that he respected the decision we had made for our father. He explained that he just wanted to press us a bit to make sure we understood the expected outcomes of each choice. He was compassionate. He ended by saying he didn't want to make us think about the decision any more and that we would just move forward with Hospice. I'll be calling hospice to set up a meeting on Friday.

A Kind of Relief

Well yesterdays appointments went as well as could be expected. The hospice nurse D and the social worker J were lovely. They explained the process. I learned that hospice doesn't just come in at the bitter end of a person's life; they come into a family's life when the ill person has decided to seek no further treatment for whatever terminal illness the are facing. The shared that some patients have been with hospice for over a year. I was surprised, and relieved by this information. They have quite a team. Nurses, social workers, chaplains, nursing assistants, and volunteers. They will acquire whatever Dad needs. They will take some of the burden off of us. They will help with meals, showers and meds. They will talk to us and Dad. They are like a beacon of hope in the very dark sea that we have been sailing.

We also met with Dr. O yesterday. He was uncharacteristically kind and compassionate. He was clear and concise in his explanation to Dad of the choices available. He could choose the surgery or choose to do nothing. He explained that by choosing the surgery it would mean a hospital stay, a rehab recovery and a change in quality of life. He then went on to explain that choosing to do nothing would mean that hospice could come in and give us support keep Dad comfortable and keep Dad at home. It would mean that he would die in 6 months maybe later maybe sooner. He explained that by sitting at home and not making a choice he really is making a choice. The choice to do nothing. I told Dad that it was OK if he wanted to choose to do nothing. It was OK. At that point Dad said that he really didn't want to do anything. Dr. O simply said OK and proceeded to call the Hospice team to discuss some particulars. There was not judgement. It was good.

So now there is a kind of relief. Dad has a better appetite. We'll be getting a wheel chair. We are planning to go out and do fun things; Cupcake Charlies, Daniel Webster Pub, Christmas lights, visits with relatives. He doesn't have to worry about a hospital stay or doctors appointments. We can just be.

just be

Thinking

Just met with Hospice representatives. They were very kind. Will be going to perhaps the last doctors appointment at 4pm. I'm not sure how much dad understands. I can't bring myself to openly answer the question "Now, What does Hospice do?" I can't utter the words.... "They help you die." Just typing the words brings me to the brink of crying. This is so hard.

Peace!

Something I have been thinking about, a lot, lately.

Peace!

Seasons

In Transitions Julia Cameron writes: "As seasons shift, I see the purpose and beauty of life's cyclicality. I see the promise of spring, the ripening of summer, the bounty of harvest and the mysterious containment of winter...... There is no season in my life that is without worth. There is no season in my life that does not unfold my highest good."


Lately I have been thinking about seasons. The seasons of a person's lifetime. For everything there is a season. These reflections brought me back to a song that 'R' introduced me to over 20 years ago.





Peace!

Reflecting on Transitions

"The primary and most beautiful of Nature's qualities is motion."

Marquis de Sade

The above quote is what I read on the page that I turned to when I opened Transitions by Julia Cameron. I was looking for inspiration for my writing tonight.

Motion, movement, mobility, hover, shift, drift, sweep along, flow, run, tread, glide, slide, roll, stream, wander, deviate, keep going, keep moving, put in motion, set in motion, go.....

We are all in motion.

I am in motion.

Fingers typing, foot tapping, hands dusting, body organizing, mind racing. Motion external as well as internal. Always moving, shifting, drifting and going.

Dad is in motion too.

Shuffling, sliding, stepping, walking, creeping, treading, drifting, sweeping along, going..... slowly, deliberately, carefully, cautiously, gingerly, precisely, anxiously, fully, thoughtfully

Beauty in motion.