Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Gibbous Moon

As  I looked at my sidebar today I noticed that the moon is currently a "Waning Gibbous" moon.  As I read this a smile came to my face.  As a young girl I remember my Dad looking out at the moon and asking me if I knew what kind of moon was out on a particular night.  I answered "No".  He would go on to say that it was a gibbous moon.  The first time he told me this I asked  "What is a gibbous moon?".  His answer that first time and many, many times after was... "Gibbous a kiss and I'll tell you."  Such a fond memory.

R and I have decided that to honor both Mum and Dad and especially Dad's wishes that we are going to raise the funds and buy my brother out of my childhood home.  It is clear that this the only way to allow for the sale of the home.  It seems to be the easy way out for my brother once again and it is a risk for my family but I think that it will be worth it.  At the very least we have a definite plan,  my eye is twitching less and my rosacea that flared has calmed down since our decision.  In a couple of weeks we will be able to move forward and to be quite honest, with all the problems that the house has I kind of like the idea that it will be mine even if it is for just a short amount of time.


Another Milestone!

Well today my youngest reached a new milestone.



Can you guess what milestone I am talking about?



I can't believe that not only is she entering into the land of double digits and she now has braces!

Monday, July 26, 2010

True Compass

I have finally gone back to 'True Compass'  after seven months.  I had read half the book aloud to Dad in the months that lead up to his death.  I didn't think that we had read that much.  I hope I will be able to finish the reading.  We'll see.

It was about this time last year that we were talking about Dad's voice, how it was so froggy sounding all the time.  We talked about going to see a specialist, but Dad wasn't really going for that idea and I didn't know the severity of the situation.  I wonder how things would have been different if we had not waited.


Sunday, July 25, 2010


  Fun with friends!

Add caption

Even Nanny Bird came to say Happy Birthday!

Remember when......  

Birthday Girl! (Almost)

We scheduled n's bday party a bit early this year.  Usually we have both parties in August.  This year we decided to see if more children would be available for n's party in July.  She invited 10 kids but only 5 friends were able to make the party.  Even with the small numbers we had a great time at her gymnastics party!

We made the cake together and thoroughly enjoyed the experience!

Oooo it's like play dough!
Fondant All Wrapped up
Buttermilk yellow cake from scratch!

Adding the fondant cut outs!

Happy Birthday!

Chocolate covered pretzels for the goody bags!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Medium Night

If you are open to the possibility that our loved ones who pass are able to reconnect with us in some way and that they are able to see how our lives are going, please read on; if you are not open but curious, please read on; if you are not open and not curious in the least perhaps you should skip today's blog post and come back tomorrow when I'll share some pictures of n's cake and party.

Last night my neighbor treated me to 'Medium Night' down the street at The Chapel Antique store.  These medium nights have been going on at this venue for quite some time.  I drive by the store just about every day and often see the chalk board sign advertising the nights.  I have always been curious and wanted to attend one of these nights for quite some time.  Needless to say when my neighbor offered to take me as a thank you for watching her son for several days when school first let out this summer I jumped at the opportunity.

So The Chapel is a quaint old building that is divided into two sections.  As you walk into the building the front room is stocked full of lovely antiques and gift items.  There is so much merchandise in this room that it is a feast for your eyes.  I was only able to briefly check out the room as our event was taking place in the back room of the building.  To enter the rear room we had to step up and through an enormous set of barn style doors.  The small room was set up with chairs arranged in an oval shape.  This night there were ten people participating.  Shortly after seven our spiritualist arrived.  Kathleen sat at the head of our group and began explaining the basics about what she is able to do for us on the earth plane(as she called it).  She is gifted with the ability to see spirits in her mind's eye.  She explained that we all have spirits around us; guardian angels, guides, loved ones who have passed on to spirit.  She works with her guides to connect with spirits.  It was quite interesting to hear about her experiences before we began.  Her style was casual and she explained that she would share what the spirits said and then we would all try to figure out with whom the spirit was trying to connect.

Before we began we all took a deep cleansing breath.  The first spirit that came in was a male.  Kathleen looked right at the gentleman to my right thinking it was going to be his reading.  Unfortunately for him he couldn't place what she was saying.  As more details came through she spoke of the gentleman not being able to walk and thought perhaps he might have died of a heart attack.  She kept pointing to her chest.   A young woman sitting two chairs to my right thought that this might be for her but as Kathleen continued it was apparent that it was not her reading either.  At this point I'm thinking maybe this if for me....  For the last years of his life walking was difficult for Dad and at the end he was not walking at all... while I don't believe he died of a heart attack per say I know that he stopped breathing and certainly that would involve the chest area....  The true sign for me was the next few statements Kathleen made.  She said she was seeing lobsters, the ocean and boats.  She continued to say that this gentleman loved boats and being outside that he had been strong with beautiful eyes.  At that point I raised my hand and confirmed that I thought it was my Dad.   At first I didn't make the following connection... many months ago I dreamt of my childhood home, I walked into the house and the table was set for a lobster dinner.  I walked further into the home to find Mum and Dad in the back bedroom watching tv together. ...

On with the reading.  I wish I had taken more copious notes but I didn't so I'll share as much as I can remember.  Kathleen didn't say too much more about Dad, just that he was around.  She then went on to say that there was a female vibration standing behind me and that she looked just like me, almost like looking at a photograph of me.  That this woman was warm and kind and very giving.  That things were difficult and that she was wrapping me up with a hand made blanket and comforting me.  The spirit began to show her notes and lists all over a table.  Then she pushed the notes to the side and said that I should begin again, start over..... this is very interesting as I received an email from my brother that seemed to open a new door to resolution with the house....  Kathleen went on to say that my mother would be guiding us and could help me to make the decisions that needed to be made.  She also brought up the name of my boss that also happens to be the name of the friend I was with last night.  It almost seemed like a warning to watch out for her... kind of strange, haven't really placed this tidbit yet.  Another thing that Kathleen relayed was that my mother was saying to calm down... sit down and have a cup of tea.  Kathleen went on to say that this seemed to be something that she would have done in life.  Oh how true is that!

 Mum and Dad were not the only two who visited.....

The next name that come up was one of my cousins  S.  I can only assume that my Aunt Kathleen may have been reaching out to her for some reason.  There was no more than the name.  Next she came out with the name Francis and immediately I thought of my Godmother, but Kathleen followed up with the name Frank.  I was surprised.  After Uncle Frank came another woman and though the exact description escapes me I am certain it was Aunt May.  Kathleen talked about graciousness and hospitality and fun loving.  She described her as having beautiful skin.  I do think it was Aunt May.  For some reason eating habits came up and Kathleen described her as saying 'no, no, no'.  I didn't understand this last night and don't quite know why A. May would say that to me, but it was definitely something my Mum spoke of often, especially when I was a young teenager.    This afternoon I was reflecting on this part of the evening and thought  maybe she was talking about all the icing and fondant I'd been nibbling as we made n's cake for her party.  I wonder if she would needle her own daughter about food choices.  Hmmmm...

Finally Kathleen talked about what she saw around me....a change in work, a good change either more responsibility or a different position, something good.  She also said she saw me as a healer.  Interesting.

So I think that is most of what was said and experienced that night.  I thought for sure that I would cry and I didn't.  I love that Dad came through first.  I wish I could have asked questions to get more specific proof.  If I go again I will be more prepared.


Friday, July 23, 2010

Friday Fill Ins we go! 

1. I feel content.

2. Working constantly  to catch up.

3. Do remember to breathe and stay in the moment.

4. Each of us is completely unique.

5. It's hard to know how much more I can take of this home selling business.

6. I don't know what  follows suit.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to reflecting on the Medium Night I just attended, tomorrow my plans include celebrating n's 10th birthday and Sunday, I want to relax!


Monday, July 19, 2010

A Great Day!

Today started out full of promise.  I planned to do something with the kids.  I was determined not to sit in the house all day, even if that is what pleases N.  Well it was a lovely morning, the tides were right and we decided to head to our beach.  It is a bit of a project, getting ready, gathering all the supplies, driving to the boat ramp and finding our place in the not so sandy sand.  It is always worth the work.  Today was no different.

It was low tide around mid day and we were at the beach by 11am.  At first it was only us and that is just the way we like the beach.  After a few minutes a couple came down and took a dip in the ocean.   We all kept to ourselves.  Shortly after that our regular beach going neighbor from the west side of our development came down and took up his regular spot on the boat ramp.  This gentleman always amazes me.  He is probably in his late sixties or early seventies.  He brings a beach buggy with him full of his supplies that include his transistor radio and towel.  He always spreads his towel out on the hard cement and spends the day laying on his towel.  He looks up every once and a while to see what others are doing on the beach and occasionally takes a dip in the ocean but for the most part he just lies in the sun.  On a good day I couldn't lie on that cement.

Anyway on with our story.  Well of coarse when the others arrived on the beach N immediately wanted to go home.  According to him he is not a people person.   n and I were not bothered by the other beach goers.  We convinced N that we should stay, donned our water shoes and started exploring the shallows.  Years ago there were definite tide pools where we could swim.  Over the last seven or eight years the beach has changed and the tide pools have disappeared with the sand.  In order to reach the water we had to walk over many rocks and through what looks like a babbling brook.  We spent a good amount of time walking in the shallow water.  We ventured over to another small tidal pool where we found much evidence of clams in the sand.

  Sand castings of a burrowing clam
photo from here

Several casting piles were visible through the water.  Much of the sand was also stained a dark black.  I remember as a kid being told that black sand meant clams.  Not sure if this is true or just a tale but we did see a lot of black sand and many broken clam shells strewn about by the gulls.

 It was so much fun showing the children where the clams could be found.  We were not quick enough in our digging to actually find any clams.  It was more about the experience.  We could have continued exploring except for the thunderstorm that rolled into the area.  The sky grayed and the thunder began to boom.  In the distance we could see the storm clouds.  After the second round of thunder we decided to hike back to our towels and chair and pack up to go home.  We will go back again at low tide to explore.  Being on the rocks and in the water was a great way to spend time together.  I can't wait to go back....

Saturday, July 17, 2010

It Continues

Well the last two days have been tumultuous.  I received a call yesterday morning from my agent claiming that my brother scared away the most recent interested buyer.  To say I was incensed was an understatement.  It took me most of the day to stop seeing red.  I was able to calm down, breathe and let go as I planned the straightforward, fact based conversation that I wanted to have with my brother.  Last night I had that conversation.  According to my brother he was simply answering the questions from the potential buyer.  I don't think he was trying to obstruct the sale.... that said I am still left with doubts.  I do think this buyer did not intend to take down the house.  I think he was hoping he would come in and put a little money into the house and rent it out.  If that was all it took we would have done it already.

I am hoping that with the recent drop in price and the interest that will bring a sale will be in the very near future.  I feel like this process is just dragging me down.


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

House Update

Well it seems that someone who came to see the house last week might be putting in an offer.  The hitch to this exciting development is that they are looking at it as a land purchase.  Our agent said to the other agent that she hopes there will be lots of 2's in the offer.  The other agent's comment was 'They can counter'.  I'm sure it will be low.  We'll see what happens.

On to the other buyers.  Evidently the woman owns other property in her name, maybe rental? I'm not sure.  So these other properties are putting her income to debt ratio over.  They are still trying to figure something out.

My cardinals have been scarce over the past week until yesterday.  Perhaps there return is a sign of good things to come.


Monday, July 12, 2010


That sticky, stuck feeling has covered me like a heavy, wet, woolen blanket.

Today I am going to throw that blanket off and live life.

I'm tired of waiting for something to happen!


Sunday, July 11, 2010


Well I had a showing of Dad's house last night.  I was so incredibly anxious about going over there and possibly having some sort of negative interaction with my brother and sil possibly a repeat of R's experience last week.  The energy over there feels so stagnant and negative.   The house is in serious disrepair as I have talked about in the past.  Once again the front is overrun with weeds.  The grass is now completely burned and brown.  As run down as the front looks the back is 100 times worse.  I don't know what we are going to do or how we are going to resolve the situation.  How do you sell a home when there is little to no communication or cooperation from the people who live there.  The woman who came to see the home wanted to see the downstairs.  I had given my brother and sil sufficient notice that I'd be bringing a buyer.  We walked around back and the place looked like a dump; literally with trash bags, old furniture, dog mess and other trash just strewn around.  I was instantly disgusted and embarrassed.   I understand and get that change is scary but how could anyone live that way?   How could you let your kids live like in such deplorable circumstances?  I can only imagine what inside looks like.  It is just unacceptable.  Anyway  I knocked on the door and was greeted by the family dogs, one german shepherd and a shepherd husky mix.  I heard one of the children say "They are at the door"  Well needless to say we didn't get into the downstairs.  The buyer was disappointed.  I gave her a tiny bit of background and she was very understanding saying not to worry she had family too.  She did indicate that she'd be interested in seeing the downstairs if we could work out an appointment.  We'll see.  I sent an email over to them and offered to have K our agent show the downstairs if that would work.  Have not heard back.  It's like a cat and mouse game trying to talk to them.  They only want to communicate when they have something to say and never seem to respond if I try to contact them via email or phone.  I've been advised by several friends and family on R's side to start eviction proceedings due to the fact that they seem to be impeding the sale of the house.  I just don't know what to do.  My parents would be so disappointed and again my heart is aching.


Saturday, July 10, 2010

FB Reflection

One of my cousins shared the a version of the following statement as a status update

From the worst endings come a beautiful(or meaningful) beginning.  

I commented on his update and then he deleted it... not sure why.

I think the statement is worth reflecting upon.


Friday, July 9, 2010


I have been plagued by bad dreams of late.  It seems every morning I wake when R is getting ready to get up for work and I am either coming out of a bad dream or I slip into one as soon as I drift back to sleep.  This morning was no different.  N woke me up at 7:30 as a neighborhood friend was calling to see if we could watch her son.  I was happy that the call came as I was in the middle of a confusing dream that left me sad and teary as I awoke.  I think my mind is trying to work out the complications of my life.  Am I doing the right thing?  Would my parents be ok with my decisions?  Am I really just what they say I am?  How will I get through this and come out ok on the other side?  These are certainly questions that come up during my waking hours so why wouldn't they be tumbling around as I am in my dreams.  I also wonder if all that is going on with the sale of Dad's house isn't just delaying an onslaught of unresolved grief.  It feels as if it has been a huge distraction for me over the last several months.  

When we think of the word heartbreak I guess it is most associated with the loss of a romantic relationship. When I read the article that arrived in my inbox today I realized that it is just what I am feeling. Heartbreak....  for the man who took care of me as a little girl, helped to teach me how to stand on my own and counseled me as a young woman,  shared in the joys, hardships and sorrows of my life and then honored me by allowing me to care and advocate for him when the time came.  Oh how my heartbreaks with the loss of this man.  

July 9, 2010
Stronger for It
Mending A Broken Heart

Heartbreak happens to all of us. Often the pain that wounds us most deeply also leaves the most enduring mark upon us.

Heartbreak happens to all of us and can wash over us like a heavy rain. When experiencing a broken heart, our ethereal selves are saturated with grief, and the overflow is channeled into the physical body. Loss becomes a physical emptiness, and longing is transmuted into a feeling that often cannot be put into words. Mending a broken heart can seem a task so monumental that we dare not attempt it for fear of damaging ourselves further. But heartbreak, like all emotions, falls under the spell of our conscious influence.

Often the pain that wounds us most deeply also leaves the most enduring mark upon us. The shock that becomes the tender, throbbing ache of the heart eventually leads us down the path of enlightenment, blessing our lives with a new depth and richness.

Acknowledging heartbreak's impermanence by no means dulls its sting for it is the sting itself that stimulates healing. The pain is letting us know that we need to pay attention to our emotional selves, to sit with our feelings and be in them fully before we can begin to heal. It is said that time heals all wounds. Time may dull the pain of a broken heart, but it is fully feeling your pain and acknowledging it that will truly help you heal. Dealing with your heartache in a healthy way rather than putting it off for tomorrow is the key to repair. Gentleness more than anything else is called for. Most important, open yourself to the possibility of loving, trusting, and believing again. When, someday soon, you emerge from the cushion of your grief, you will see that the universe did not cease to be as you nursed your broken heart. You emerge on the other side of the mending, stronger for all you have experienced.
For more information visit 


Wednesday, July 7, 2010

It Feels Like Summer!

I remember the summers when  I was a young girl and boy were they hot!  They felt very much like the weather we are experiencing this week.  I remember the box fans and occasional ocean breeze that were the main method of relief from the heat.  It seems to me that we had long stretches of hazy, hot and humid weather.  Mum and I would sit in the kitchen together trying to catch that illusive breeze.  I remember lazy days spent reading books, playing Scrabble, sunbathing on the deck, walking to the beach, playing with friends and eating tomatoes right off the vine sprinkled with a little salt.  Did I say the words 'I'm bored.' ?  I'm sure I must have but I honestly don't remember being bored.  Summer was a time filled with fun and freedom.  It was a different time back then.  Parents didn't worry if their kids walked down the neighborhood streets to play at a friends' house all day.  We didn't even have to call and set up play dates.  We just went and knocked on the door.  If our friends couldn't play we came home.  I remember the ships bell that hung next to the kitchen door.  The distinct ring of that bell would call my brother and me home for lunch or for our evening meal.  Oh the memories.   I so desperately want my children to have fond memories of their childhood summers.  That is what i am thinking about as I listen to n and her friend l playing Wii in the living room.  Singing, laughing and having fun together.   Making memories, fostering friendships, creating family traditions and spending quality time together before they need to move away from the closeness we have now;  that is what this summer is all about.

What is your summer about this year?


Monday, July 5, 2010

And it Continues!

So while we were busy making memories this weekend, the drama I have been expecting, anticipating even since Dad died happened this weekend.  Sigh.

R has been working very hard with the entire family's best interest at heart to market and show Papa's house.  Sadly the house is in a significant state of disrepair.  Even so many people have seen the post on Craig's list and are coming to see the house.  Saturday was just such a day.  A woman who was interested in possibly renting/leasing to own came down from near Boston to see the house.  R showed her around and was answering questions.  Prior to her arrival my brother was upstairs talking with R.  R invited him to stay and be a part of the conversation but he opted to go back downstairs.   It was our thought that if someone rents to own then it would give my brother and his family the option of staying downstairs.  I'm not sure if this was communicated or heard by him as during the showing he heard R talking about 'tenant at will' in reference to the downstairs.  The woman was fine with that until my brother come outside and started yelling upstairs about how R was trying to screw him and that he wasn't a tenant at will.  The truth is he signed a lease and he is a tenant at will.  The reason we did a lease was so that they could get aid from the state which they never pursued.  Suffice it to say that we will not be hearing from our potential buyer again.  She practically ran out of the house.

R was pretty much attacked by both my SIL and my brother.  I won't go into details here because the details don't really matter.  There is some serious mental illness going on over at that home and I feel awful about what was said to R and the fact that my niece and nephew witnessed the fight.  I am just grateful that it did not turn physical.  I worry for my brother and for my niece and nephew.  When I think of all the times I have helped them and how they treated R, I am sickened.  I don't know that my relationship with my brother will ever be the same and I am certain that I no longer want any kind of relationship with his wife.

The good news is that the Cambridge couple may still be interested in the house.  I hope that we hear from them tomorrow and can sign the house over.  It would be a huge relief.


Sunday, July 4, 2010

4th of July

Happy Independence Day!
Thanks to all the men and women who have given so much so that we can enjoy our freedom. 

photo by my SIL AP

Saturday, July 3, 2010

A Visit in my Dreams

Lately dreams have been my nemesis. I have been plagued over the last few months with disturbing and unsettling dreams. Today however was different. I awoke this morning from the most wonderful dream about my Mother in Law Anita. Anita passed away 3 weeks after n was born. At the end of this summer we will have spent 10 years without her wonderful presence here on earth. She was one of the most generous and genuine women I have ever known. She had a truly unique personality and sense of humor. At times I see her in both of my children and certainly in my husband. I wish that she had known my children and been able to watch them grow into the people they are today. It is dreams like the one I am about to describe that reaffirm my belief that our loved ones do see and remain with us but in a different way.

We were home. My sister in law A was with us, visiting I suppose. The children were younger than they are now. n was in the kitchen with me and N was in the tv room playing with toys on the floor. I heard a car pull into the driveway and I stepped out the side door of the kitchen to see Anita. She looked beautiful. She stepped out of her car and started walking up the drive with a male client following behind. In my dream it was her heavier self but she looked so healthy and walked with spring in her step. She turned to her client and told him to behave when he went into the house. She climbed the steps and walked into our kitchen and looked down at n. She smiled and said "Oh isn't she so cute". Then she and her client walked into the house. She turned to the young man and told him to go talk with R. I then turned and said that R was in the shower.

At this point singing woke me from my visit. I turned and R had just finished his shower and was singing and getting ready for the day. Normally I would have rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. I just couldn't I felt compelled to get up and tell him about my visit with Ma. He was excited for me that I had just experienced such a lovely dream.

What a wonderful way to start my day.
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