During the past year there has been much change in my life, some good and some not so much. Change is unsettling and scary for me but I have learned that it is essential if I want to become the person I am meant to be and create the life that is best for myself and my family. As I get older I realize more and more that change is part of life for better or worse. I think it is in acceptance and understanding that change is able to propel us to the next level. As I come to grips with change I find myself thinking about the following writing from the Bible. It seems to resonate with me on many levels. As I was blog hopping tonight I came across this scripture in the sidebar of Straight No Chaser. It compelled me to pause and share these thoughts.
There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven.
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
Peace!
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Friday, June 29, 2012
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Medium Night
If you are open to the possibility that our loved ones who pass are able to reconnect with us in some way and that they are able to see how our lives are going, please read on; if you are not open but curious, please read on; if you are not open and not curious in the least perhaps you should skip today's blog post and come back tomorrow when I'll share some pictures of n's cake and party.
Last night my neighbor treated me to 'Medium Night' down the street at The Chapel Antique store. These medium nights have been going on at this venue for quite some time. I drive by the store just about every day and often see the chalk board sign advertising the nights. I have always been curious and wanted to attend one of these nights for quite some time. Needless to say when my neighbor offered to take me as a thank you for watching her son for several days when school first let out this summer I jumped at the opportunity.
So The Chapel is a quaint old building that is divided into two sections. As you walk into the building the front room is stocked full of lovely antiques and gift items. There is so much merchandise in this room that it is a feast for your eyes. I was only able to briefly check out the room as our event was taking place in the back room of the building. To enter the rear room we had to step up and through an enormous set of barn style doors. The small room was set up with chairs arranged in an oval shape. This night there were ten people participating. Shortly after seven our spiritualist arrived. Kathleen sat at the head of our group and began explaining the basics about what she is able to do for us on the earth plane(as she called it). She is gifted with the ability to see spirits in her mind's eye. She explained that we all have spirits around us; guardian angels, guides, loved ones who have passed on to spirit. She works with her guides to connect with spirits. It was quite interesting to hear about her experiences before we began. Her style was casual and she explained that she would share what the spirits said and then we would all try to figure out with whom the spirit was trying to connect.
Before we began we all took a deep cleansing breath. The first spirit that came in was a male. Kathleen looked right at the gentleman to my right thinking it was going to be his reading. Unfortunately for him he couldn't place what she was saying. As more details came through she spoke of the gentleman not being able to walk and thought perhaps he might have died of a heart attack. She kept pointing to her chest. A young woman sitting two chairs to my right thought that this might be for her but as Kathleen continued it was apparent that it was not her reading either. At this point I'm thinking maybe this if for me.... For the last years of his life walking was difficult for Dad and at the end he was not walking at all... while I don't believe he died of a heart attack per say I know that he stopped breathing and certainly that would involve the chest area.... The true sign for me was the next few statements Kathleen made. She said she was seeing lobsters, the ocean and boats. She continued to say that this gentleman loved boats and being outside that he had been strong with beautiful eyes. At that point I raised my hand and confirmed that I thought it was my Dad. At first I didn't make the following connection... many months ago I dreamt of my childhood home, I walked into the house and the table was set for a lobster dinner. I walked further into the home to find Mum and Dad in the back bedroom watching tv together. ...
On with the reading. I wish I had taken more copious notes but I didn't so I'll share as much as I can remember. Kathleen didn't say too much more about Dad, just that he was around. She then went on to say that there was a female vibration standing behind me and that she looked just like me, almost like looking at a photograph of me. That this woman was warm and kind and very giving. That things were difficult and that she was wrapping me up with a hand made blanket and comforting me. The spirit began to show her notes and lists all over a table. Then she pushed the notes to the side and said that I should begin again, start over..... this is very interesting as I received an email from my brother that seemed to open a new door to resolution with the house.... Kathleen went on to say that my mother would be guiding us and could help me to make the decisions that needed to be made. She also brought up the name of my boss that also happens to be the name of the friend I was with last night. It almost seemed like a warning to watch out for her... kind of strange, haven't really placed this tidbit yet. Another thing that Kathleen relayed was that my mother was saying to calm down... sit down and have a cup of tea. Kathleen went on to say that this seemed to be something that she would have done in life. Oh how true is that!
Mum and Dad were not the only two who visited.....
The next name that come up was one of my cousins S. I can only assume that my Aunt Kathleen may have been reaching out to her for some reason. There was no more than the name. Next she came out with the name Francis and immediately I thought of my Godmother, but Kathleen followed up with the name Frank. I was surprised. After Uncle Frank came another woman and though the exact description escapes me I am certain it was Aunt May. Kathleen talked about graciousness and hospitality and fun loving. She described her as having beautiful skin. I do think it was Aunt May. For some reason eating habits came up and Kathleen described her as saying 'no, no, no'. I didn't understand this last night and don't quite know why A. May would say that to me, but it was definitely something my Mum spoke of often, especially when I was a young teenager. This afternoon I was reflecting on this part of the evening and thought maybe she was talking about all the icing and fondant I'd been nibbling as we made n's cake for her party. I wonder if she would needle her own daughter about food choices. Hmmmm...
Finally Kathleen talked about what she saw around me....a change in work, a good change either more responsibility or a different position, something good. She also said she saw me as a healer. Interesting.
So I think that is most of what was said and experienced that night. I thought for sure that I would cry and I didn't. I love that Dad came through first. I wish I could have asked questions to get more specific proof. If I go again I will be more prepared.
Peace!
Last night my neighbor treated me to 'Medium Night' down the street at The Chapel Antique store. These medium nights have been going on at this venue for quite some time. I drive by the store just about every day and often see the chalk board sign advertising the nights. I have always been curious and wanted to attend one of these nights for quite some time. Needless to say when my neighbor offered to take me as a thank you for watching her son for several days when school first let out this summer I jumped at the opportunity.
So The Chapel is a quaint old building that is divided into two sections. As you walk into the building the front room is stocked full of lovely antiques and gift items. There is so much merchandise in this room that it is a feast for your eyes. I was only able to briefly check out the room as our event was taking place in the back room of the building. To enter the rear room we had to step up and through an enormous set of barn style doors. The small room was set up with chairs arranged in an oval shape. This night there were ten people participating. Shortly after seven our spiritualist arrived. Kathleen sat at the head of our group and began explaining the basics about what she is able to do for us on the earth plane(as she called it). She is gifted with the ability to see spirits in her mind's eye. She explained that we all have spirits around us; guardian angels, guides, loved ones who have passed on to spirit. She works with her guides to connect with spirits. It was quite interesting to hear about her experiences before we began. Her style was casual and she explained that she would share what the spirits said and then we would all try to figure out with whom the spirit was trying to connect.
Before we began we all took a deep cleansing breath. The first spirit that came in was a male. Kathleen looked right at the gentleman to my right thinking it was going to be his reading. Unfortunately for him he couldn't place what she was saying. As more details came through she spoke of the gentleman not being able to walk and thought perhaps he might have died of a heart attack. She kept pointing to her chest. A young woman sitting two chairs to my right thought that this might be for her but as Kathleen continued it was apparent that it was not her reading either. At this point I'm thinking maybe this if for me.... For the last years of his life walking was difficult for Dad and at the end he was not walking at all... while I don't believe he died of a heart attack per say I know that he stopped breathing and certainly that would involve the chest area.... The true sign for me was the next few statements Kathleen made. She said she was seeing lobsters, the ocean and boats. She continued to say that this gentleman loved boats and being outside that he had been strong with beautiful eyes. At that point I raised my hand and confirmed that I thought it was my Dad. At first I didn't make the following connection... many months ago I dreamt of my childhood home, I walked into the house and the table was set for a lobster dinner. I walked further into the home to find Mum and Dad in the back bedroom watching tv together. ...
On with the reading. I wish I had taken more copious notes but I didn't so I'll share as much as I can remember. Kathleen didn't say too much more about Dad, just that he was around. She then went on to say that there was a female vibration standing behind me and that she looked just like me, almost like looking at a photograph of me. That this woman was warm and kind and very giving. That things were difficult and that she was wrapping me up with a hand made blanket and comforting me. The spirit began to show her notes and lists all over a table. Then she pushed the notes to the side and said that I should begin again, start over..... this is very interesting as I received an email from my brother that seemed to open a new door to resolution with the house.... Kathleen went on to say that my mother would be guiding us and could help me to make the decisions that needed to be made. She also brought up the name of my boss that also happens to be the name of the friend I was with last night. It almost seemed like a warning to watch out for her... kind of strange, haven't really placed this tidbit yet. Another thing that Kathleen relayed was that my mother was saying to calm down... sit down and have a cup of tea. Kathleen went on to say that this seemed to be something that she would have done in life. Oh how true is that!
Mum and Dad were not the only two who visited.....
The next name that come up was one of my cousins S. I can only assume that my Aunt Kathleen may have been reaching out to her for some reason. There was no more than the name. Next she came out with the name Francis and immediately I thought of my Godmother, but Kathleen followed up with the name Frank. I was surprised. After Uncle Frank came another woman and though the exact description escapes me I am certain it was Aunt May. Kathleen talked about graciousness and hospitality and fun loving. She described her as having beautiful skin. I do think it was Aunt May. For some reason eating habits came up and Kathleen described her as saying 'no, no, no'. I didn't understand this last night and don't quite know why A. May would say that to me, but it was definitely something my Mum spoke of often, especially when I was a young teenager. This afternoon I was reflecting on this part of the evening and thought maybe she was talking about all the icing and fondant I'd been nibbling as we made n's cake for her party. I wonder if she would needle her own daughter about food choices. Hmmmm...
Finally Kathleen talked about what she saw around me....a change in work, a good change either more responsibility or a different position, something good. She also said she saw me as a healer. Interesting.
So I think that is most of what was said and experienced that night. I thought for sure that I would cry and I didn't. I love that Dad came through first. I wish I could have asked questions to get more specific proof. If I go again I will be more prepared.
Peace!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
A Visit in my Dreams
Lately dreams have been my nemesis. I have been plagued over the last few months with disturbing and unsettling dreams. Today however was different. I awoke this morning from the most wonderful dream about my Mother in Law Anita. Anita passed away 3 weeks after n was born. At the end of this summer we will have spent 10 years without her wonderful presence here on earth. She was one of the most generous and genuine women I have ever known. She had a truly unique personality and sense of humor. At times I see her in both of my children and certainly in my husband. I wish that she had known my children and been able to watch them grow into the people they are today. It is dreams like the one I am about to describe that reaffirm my belief that our loved ones do see and remain with us but in a different way.
We were home. My sister in law A was with us, visiting I suppose. The children were younger than they are now. n was in the kitchen with me and N was in the tv room playing with toys on the floor. I heard a car pull into the driveway and I stepped out the side door of the kitchen to see Anita. She looked beautiful. She stepped out of her car and started walking up the drive with a male client following behind. In my dream it was her heavier self but she looked so healthy and walked with spring in her step. She turned to her client and told him to behave when he went into the house. She climbed the steps and walked into our kitchen and looked down at n. She smiled and said "Oh isn't she so cute". Then she and her client walked into the house. She turned to the young man and told him to go talk with R. I then turned and said that R was in the shower.
At this point singing woke me from my visit. I turned and R had just finished his shower and was singing and getting ready for the day. Normally I would have rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. I just couldn't I felt compelled to get up and tell him about my visit with Ma. He was excited for me that I had just experienced such a lovely dream.
What a wonderful way to start my day.
Friday, June 25, 2010
On Acceptance
I found the following quote from Women as Rest .
"We do not move forward by resisting what is undesirable in our life today. We move forward, we grow, we change by acceptance. Overcome not by force; overcome by surrender. The battle is fought, and won, inside ourselves. We must go through it until we learn, until we accept, until we become grateful, until we are set free." ~Alan Equality Tomkins
Today this quote really speaks to me. Change, growth and acceptance are huge themes in my life right now.
"We do not move forward by resisting what is undesirable in our life today." I have been feeling stuck, resistant, like the child who refuses his parents request time and time again. I won't face it and you can't make me. That's how I feel these days. I avoid my brother and conversations regarding the sale of Dad's house. The entire situation makes me feel ill at ease and physically sick to my stomach. I find myself irritable, anxious and easily upset when thinking about the house and the sales process, so avoidance has become my friend. Through this avoidance I am not changing the situation or helping myself.
We move forward, we grow, we change by acceptance. I think there is a big part of me that would like to climb under my covers and pretend that Dad never died and all of this is just a figment of my imagination. On the surface it looks like I have accepted what has happened and that I have moved on-whatever that means. I guess I have to really accept that things are different on an internal, spiritual and gut level; Mum and Dad are gone and it is a reality that the house is being sold. Not only is it being sold but the folks who are in the process of putting together an offer are planning on taking the house down and putting up a prefab. My childhood home will be gone forever. Serious change to push through. As I think about acceptance I realize that going back almost ten years when my dear MIL and my own Mum passed away I never truly had to accept those losses. I was distracted by my very young children who needed my attention, my grieving husband who needed my attention and my dear father who was destroyed by the death of my Mum. I guess by taking care of all of these people who truly deserved the care I gave I was able go avoid doing the work myself to move toward acceptance.
"Overcome not by force; overcome by surrender." Perhaps pushing through is the wrong approach. How do I surrender into it when it is still so raw. I am a fighter with strong convictions and opinions. I don't easily change my mind once it is set. I don't like to give in... I guess I have to learn how to surrender. The problem with that is it opens one up to vulnerability, pain, grief, the unknown. Is it this process that has me so utterly exhausted?
"The battle is fought, and won, inside ourselves." I am such an internal battler, if that makes any sense to anyone out there. I hate and avoid confrontation in daily life but go inside my head on just about any day of the week and at some point during the day a battle is ensuing. Should I do this, should I do that, what if I say this and then he says that, If I do this then so and so will feel that..... Sometimes I literally have to tell myself out loud to Stop! This is not a recent trait that has come with the death of my father. I have been like this my entire life. Sadly much of what goes on inside my head includes catastrophizing the situation. It is always the worst case scenario that plays out in my minds eye, even when I know it is irrational. So I am more than familiar with the battle within. It is time to change the tape.
"We must go through it until we learn, until we accept, until we become grateful, until we are set free." This sentence brings me to tears and I am not sure why. Something else to think about.
Peace!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Spiraling
I feel like everything is spiraling downward ever so fast. Exhaustion is setting in and I think time could be short but I am not sure. While sleep escapes me; Dad seems to be in a perpetual state of unsettled sleep...twitching, scratching, moving, snoring, groaning, sighing, laboring, breathing, dreaming? reminiscing? reconciling? reliving? revisiting? hoping?
I know what it happening. The knowing does not ease the pain I feel. The knowing does not change the sadness in my children's eyes. The knowing does not take away the worry I see in my husband's face. The knowing does not fill the pit in my stomach. The knowing does not take away my fear. The knowing does not mend my broken heart. What good is the knowing if it does nothing? Maybe the knowing is overrated. Maybe the knowing is no good. Maybe the knowing makes the waiting that much worse. Maybe the knowing makes the ever quickening spiral so much more dizzying, overwhelming, frightening, devastating, confusing, maddening.... What if the knowing let's us be in this moment. What if the knowing let's us walk this path. What if the knowing gives us the gift of taking care of one who took such good care of us, What if the knowing enables us to say I love you, I'm sorry, you did your best, you are a good man, thank you, I will miss you, it is ok and good bye. Maybe the knowing isn't so bad after all?
I know what it happening. The knowing does not ease the pain I feel. The knowing does not change the sadness in my children's eyes. The knowing does not take away the worry I see in my husband's face. The knowing does not fill the pit in my stomach. The knowing does not take away my fear. The knowing does not mend my broken heart. What good is the knowing if it does nothing? Maybe the knowing is overrated. Maybe the knowing is no good. Maybe the knowing makes the waiting that much worse. Maybe the knowing makes the ever quickening spiral so much more dizzying, overwhelming, frightening, devastating, confusing, maddening.... What if the knowing let's us be in this moment. What if the knowing let's us walk this path. What if the knowing gives us the gift of taking care of one who took such good care of us, What if the knowing enables us to say I love you, I'm sorry, you did your best, you are a good man, thank you, I will miss you, it is ok and good bye. Maybe the knowing isn't so bad after all?
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