I feel like everything is spiraling downward ever so fast. Exhaustion is setting in and I think time could be short but I am not sure. While sleep escapes me; Dad seems to be in a perpetual state of unsettled sleep...twitching, scratching, moving, snoring, groaning, sighing, laboring, breathing, dreaming? reminiscing? reconciling? reliving? revisiting? hoping?
I know what it happening. The knowing does not ease the pain I feel. The knowing does not change the sadness in my children's eyes. The knowing does not take away the worry I see in my husband's face. The knowing does not fill the pit in my stomach. The knowing does not take away my fear. The knowing does not mend my broken heart. What good is the knowing if it does nothing? Maybe the knowing is overrated. Maybe the knowing is no good. Maybe the knowing makes the waiting that much worse. Maybe the knowing makes the ever quickening spiral so much more dizzying, overwhelming, frightening, devastating, confusing, maddening.... What if the knowing let's us be in this moment. What if the knowing let's us walk this path. What if the knowing gives us the gift of taking care of one who took such good care of us, What if the knowing enables us to say I love you, I'm sorry, you did your best, you are a good man, thank you, I will miss you, it is ok and good bye. Maybe the knowing isn't so bad after all?
2 comments:
The conversations go back and forth among us widoweds... Which is better? Which is harder? To have the knowledge and time to say goodbye? Or for death to come quickly, mercifully, relatively painlessly?
In the end, the answer is always the same: Both are awful for those who are left behind.
I hold you in my heart in these days of waiting, watching, knowing...
Alicia thank you for your heartfelt words. They are a comfort. Sadly the days of watching, waiting and knowing are gone. He went when my Mum called. I'm sure she was there with open arms.
Peace
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