Well I went back to work today. It had to be done. What else would I do? sit at home and be sad..... sleep.... tie up loose ends..... I guess I could have stayed home and worked on all of these things but I think it would have made it that much more difficult to start back again after the holiday break. So I did it and today was not as difficult as I thought it would have or could have been. The children exude unconditional love as do my colleagues and I was happy to be the recipient of that love today. Several of the families knew why I was out last week and expressed their concern and sympathy. I knew that I would encounter at least one family who would inquire as to my whereabouts last week. I was honest and shared that there was a death in my family, my father had died. It was hard. They felt badly.
I find it interesting that people assume that with the upcoming holiday season somehow it will magically make everything better, facilitate moving forward or moving on. Someone actually said as much to me today. I have been the caretaker of my father for the last 4 years and beyond, not to mention his daughter for 40 years. Honestly while the holiday season will be a distraction I can honestly say it will not facilitate forward motion in my grief. So many memories are wrapped up in the holidays. Memories of my childhood, my Mum, my Dad and all my other family members who have passed. The memories are mostly good but they bring with them this sense of longing and wistfulness for days gone by that can never be again. While I like these memories they don't make me happy. While I have always been a Christmas person I can honestly say that if I could, if I didn't have young children, I would cancel Christmas..... I feel like I just don't have it in me....
I know that things will get better. I know that Christmas will be good. I know that I will find a new normal. Things will be different. From now on I will need to come up with a new way. I know I can do it. I hope it doesn't take me too long. I hope I don't tumble down into the depths of undiagnosed depression like when Mum died. I hope that tomorrow and each tomorrow after that will be just a bit easier.