Friday, June 25, 2010

On Acceptance

I found the following quote from Women as Rest .

"We do not move forward by resisting what is undesirable in our life today. We move forward, we grow, we change by acceptance. Overcome not by force; overcome by surrender. The battle is fought, and won, inside ourselves. We must go through it until we learn, until we accept, until we become grateful, until we are set free." ~Alan Equality Tomkins

Today this quote really speaks to me. Change, growth and acceptance are huge themes in my life right now.

"We do not move forward by resisting what is undesirable in our life today." I have been feeling stuck, resistant, like the child who refuses his parents request time and time again. I won't face it and you can't make me. That's how I feel these days. I avoid my brother and conversations regarding the sale of Dad's house. The entire situation makes me feel ill at ease and physically sick to my stomach. I find myself irritable, anxious and easily upset when thinking about the house and the sales process, so avoidance has become my friend. Through this avoidance I am not changing the situation or helping myself.

We move forward, we grow, we change by acceptance. I think there is a big part of me that would like to climb under my covers and pretend that Dad never died and all of this is just a figment of my imagination. On the surface it looks like I have accepted what has happened and that I have moved on-whatever that means. I guess I have to really accept that things are different on an internal, spiritual and gut level; Mum and Dad are gone and it is a reality that the house is being sold. Not only is it being sold but the folks who are in the process of putting together an offer are planning on taking the house down and putting up a prefab. My childhood home will be gone forever. Serious change to push through. As I think about acceptance I realize that going back almost ten years when my dear MIL and my own Mum passed away I never truly had to accept those losses. I was distracted by my very young children who needed my attention, my grieving husband who needed my attention and my dear father who was destroyed by the death of my Mum. I guess by taking care of all of these people who truly deserved the care I gave I was able go avoid doing the work myself to move toward acceptance.

"Overcome not by force; overcome by surrender." Perhaps pushing through is the wrong approach. How do I surrender into it when it is still so raw. I am a fighter with strong convictions and opinions. I don't easily change my mind once it is set. I don't like to give in... I guess I have to learn how to surrender. The problem with that is it opens one up to vulnerability, pain, grief, the unknown. Is it this process that has me so utterly exhausted?

"The battle is fought, and won, inside ourselves." I am such an internal battler, if that makes any sense to anyone out there. I hate and avoid confrontation in daily life but go inside my head on just about any day of the week and at some point during the day a battle is ensuing. Should I do this, should I do that, what if I say this and then he says that, If I do this then so and so will feel that..... Sometimes I literally have to tell myself out loud to Stop! This is not a recent trait that has come with the death of my father. I have been like this my entire life. Sadly much of what goes on inside my head includes catastrophizing the situation. It is always the worst case scenario that plays out in my minds eye, even when I know it is irrational. So I am more than familiar with the battle within. It is time to change the tape.

"We must go through it until we learn, until we accept, until we become grateful, until we are set free." This sentence brings me to tears and I am not sure why. Something else to think about.



Alicia said...

This is an amazing post, one that I'm going to have to read and re-read a few times.

I'll be sending some friends over to read it.

(Hey, friends, if you read this, leave Barbara a note to say hello!)

Barbara said...

Thanks so much Alicia. I've really been trying to 'live' this post if you know what I mean.


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