Saturday, October 9, 2010

Struggling Just a Bit

Well the title of this post sums it up I guess.  I've found myself struggling a bit with my emotions.  In the past I have talked about how August is a bittersweet time for me as it seems to be the start of the remembering of the joyous and then sad events that took place in 2000/2001.  I was hoping that I would not have the same experience during these fall months, but it seems that the remembering is creeping it's way into my life in a very real way.  It was this time last year that the process with my Dad began and as much as I wish I were through the grief process and clearly on the other side... I am not.

Yesterday I had an interesting experience.  R was home and working over at Dads.  I went over after dropping n off at school and getting a few things done at home.  The task at hand was to determine the new layout of the house.  We measured and used 2x4's to give us a physical representation of where walls will be and I wrote everything down on my layout sheets.   We are truly reinventing my childhood home.  I love the idea of a new beautiful home in honor of my Mum and Dad but this process is so taxing.  I feel sad every time I leave the house.  After taking the measurements I went home.  As I drove home I came upon an older couple, whom I have seen many times before, walking on the main road.  This couple walks regularly and on their walks they each carry a large rosary.  They pray as they walk.  The first time I noticed this couple was around this time last year as I drove over to Dad's to visit with him.  I remember having a conversation with him about this couple and how I thought it was so interesting that they would pray the rosary as they walked together.  I remember him listening carefully to my thoughts although I don't recall what he thought about these religious walkers.  So yesterday I considered waiting at the end of my driveway so that I could tell this couple how special I think their practice is and how it touches me when I see them walking.  I didn't.  I talked myself out of it... saying to myself that it would be weird/stalker like for me to share my thoughts with these virtual strangers.  My day continued.  I planned out me errands in preparation for a get together that n was having that evening.  I had banking to do and considered going to the dollar store.  At the last minute I decided to check out the dollar store to see if I could find any more fun things for the party.  As I was looking at the Halloween display a woman nearly backs into me as she is picking out silk flowers.  She turned around and sure enough it was the wife of the religious walkers.  You could have knocked me over!  She looked into my eyes and said "Don't I know you?".  I shared with her that I thought we lived in the same neighborhood and that I thought I had graduated just a year before her daughter.  She smiled and then I went on to say that I often see her  and her husband walking and praying with their Rosaries and how inspirational I find their practice.  She was pleased that I shared my thoughts with her and we finished our conversation and went on our separate ways.  For whatever reason this exchange left me very emotional.  I drove to the grocery store with tears in my eyes.  I was able to complete my tasks and get home.  Still emotional I reached out to my dear friend 'C' and told her the story.  As always she had good advise for me and I felt so much better after talking to her.  I'm working hard to hold on to that better feeling and trying  to push away or work through the vulnerable sadness that seems to creep in every now and again.  I think writing it down helps.


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