So I spoke with the case worker for Dad's primary care physician's office today. She will be starting the referral process for hospice. I feel sick to my stomach about this entire thing and hope that we are making the decisions that are right for Dad and our family. I think that I haven't fully grasped the situation myself and that soon I am due for a very long cry. Once I start I hope I will be able to stop.
Yesterday I found a book at Borders. It was almost like the book found me actually. I was browsing the self help section and I noticed the navy blue binding with a lovely asian style floral painting. The title of this book is Transitions by Julia Cameron. I read the book flap and then read the introduction. The third paragraph of the introduction spoke to me.
"This book concerns change: the difficulty of change, the possibility of change. It also, at ground level, concerns the acceptance of change. So often we try to live through our changes without experiencing them. When life is difficult, we tune out, focused on the future. 'I will be happy,' we say 'when this happens' r 'when that happens.' Or , 'When that begins.' Focused on life as we yearn for it, we neglect to live the life that we have. 'This shouldn't be happening,' we tell ourselves in difficult seasons. Meaning, 'Once this is over, I'll get on with my life.'.....It is usually the emotional burden of a difficult circumstance that causes us to move through it numbly, cut off from our spiritual resources. A sudden illness, the death of a spouse, the unexpected loss of a treasured job, a cherished friend's moving away-any of these may be sufficient to disconnect us from our ongoing sense of the fruitfulness and purpose of life." ..... "This book is intended as a conscious companion for difficult times. It is also planned as a model for you to work from. The writing of positive, affirmative prayers is a deeply healing spiritual antidote to the pain of anguished moments.
Yesterday I thought I would branch off from my regular writing to chronicle my experiences and share news about Dad. Now I think that it would be important to try and keep all pieces of my life integrated. Even as I know that there will be times when I must focus my attentions to tasks at hand this thing, this process of Dad dying is going to be with me, just below the surface at all times. As difficult and painful as it will be I have to live through this experience.
So I think this book will be helpful. And the journey continues.