Sunday, March 21, 2010

Dreaming of a Better Way

Well it has been quite the week. Wednesday's breakdown was just the beginning. I have had more sensory memories and dreams not to mention another breakdown at my friend C's house! Crazy is how I'm feeling right about now....

Let me tell you more. This week I had two more very vivid sensory memories. The first was triggered by a smell. As I sat in my chair in the living room I got this waft of a familiar odor. At first I thought it was 'R's feet as he had just taken off his shoes. It wasn't the regular stinky foot smell however and there was something pleasingly familiar to this odor. Weird.... I know.... R went out but the odor remained. Then I looked down and noticed a pair of n's socks had been left on the floor. No surprise there but I surmised that the odor came from her socks. Now comes the gross part... Yes you guessed it I picked up the socks and wait...... yes I sniffed them! Well that was the scent that had been plaguing me all night. As I sniffed them I realized they smelled like the pads of a dog's foot. Yes I know, very strange! I had a flash again to my childhood, of my dog Sheba. That was the smell, it was her feet, well paws. I remember as a young girl torturing Sheba when she slept by tickling the fur that grew between the pads of her feet. I'd touch the fur and she would wiggle her feet. I would do this until she would wake up from her nap. Not a nice thing to do, but what did I know I was just a little kid! Upon further research at my friend C's house on Friday evening I confirmed the dog pad paw smell. (yes she has a dog and I couldn't help myself I sniffed her paw!) I am totally loosing it!!!!

So as I just said I spent the evening on Friday at C's house. It was fun. Just the girls. We talked, ate, ordered out and reminisced. I cried. Three times according to C! It all revolved around my Dad and my Mum. In the middle of the evening her 16 year old daughter called home to check in and for some reason that triggered a well of emotion. Once I regained my composure we talked a bit more about things. She was so kind saying how I seemed like I was handling things so well. (don't feel that way but....) She also made a great point that I think is at the crux of all these emotions.... Not only am I mourning the loss of my Dad and revisiting the loss of my Mom, but in a way I am mourning the loss of my childhood, maybe even my inner child..... It's just me now. I have to be self sufficient. There is no one out in this world who will love me in the same way that my parents did...ever. I know I am loved by my husband, children, co workers and friends but that love will always be different than the love I received from my parents. It just is the way of life. I think that the loss must be mourned.

You might think that with this new found perspective that perhaps some of the memories and dream would subside just a bit. Wrong! I was eating my lunch yesterday, plain greek yogurt with thawed frozen strawberries in juice, when I had a flash to my early teen years when Mum would make these little mini cheesecakes in Keebler graham cracker shells. It was like being there when the memory hit. It also reminded me of all the yummy cheesecakes and goodies that Dad would bring home from the Metroliner when he did that run for Amtrak. The food would have been tossed if he didn't take it home so..... It was a good memory.

Even in my dreams I can not get away. Last night I dreamed of Dad. I was trying to save him and it felt impossible. I had to get him onto a boat that I guess was going to take him someplace safe. I was on the boat but he wasn't and the boat sailed away before he got on-board. I yelled for them to stop but they didn't. In the next scene in this dream we were in a small cottage and he was very sick. Again I tried to help him but couldn't. At the end of this dream my godmother and my Aunt M appeared. They were sitting in another little white cottage on straight back kitchen type chairs next to each other. I hugged my godmother but my Aunt wouldn't hug me, so unlike her. I wonder what that was all about. I'm pretty sure I ended up crying in my dream as my eyes felt weepy when I awoke.

No wonder I'm so tired and run down and can't shake my mysterious upper respiratory illness. Even in my sleep I'm not resting. I know with time things will sort themselves out. I just wish it would happen sooner than later!


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