Saturday, February 27, 2010

Working Through It

Well yesterday was an odd day for me. It was the first day I had at home alone in a long time. I didn't have anything I had to get done. I found it uncomfortable being by myself. This is so not me. Usually I like to have a little bit of time to myself, but it was a Friday and my typical routine for the last couple of years on Mondays and Fridays would be get the kids to school and then go and spend time with Dad. I didn't spend the entire day but a good chunk of the day. I guess I am still missing that and him for sure. I feel like I can't get out of my own way on days like this. I have regular chores that should be done, but I just don't feel like it and I tend to sabotage myself by hopping on the computer or getting on the phone. This only happens when I'm home without a specific task outside of the house to complete. On work days I'm fine. I get up do what has to be done and get on with my day. I feel frustrated with myself for being stuck on those other days. I was talking to a friend yesterday who had been the primary caregiver for her Dad prior to his death several years ago and she said it took her at least six months before she was able to get out of that 'stuck' place. Six months..... Some days it feels like it's been a lifetime since he died, then I think about the calendar and realize that on my birthday we will mark his three month anniversary. I have to say that I hate this.

I did have some enjoyment yesterday. I spent a couple of hours with a good friend whom I have not seen in some time. We used to hang out every Friday when the kids were little but once they started school and we both added more hours to work we stopped our Friday visits. Anyway it was great to just visit and talk. I need to more of that.

So my mind must have still been swirling last night as I had another dream about Dad. In this dream he had been lost and R and I had found him. He was younger in this dream, maybe as young as his late 30's. He had dark thicker hair. I was trimming his hair as I did for the past years. I was talking to him and it became clear that he didn't know me. I tried to give him clues but he still didn't know me. I had him turn and look at R. He didn't know either of us in this dream. Very sad. The dream transitioned to something else in my cousin M's house. We were working on her guest room in her basement. It was such a strange dream. I woke up from the dream and instead of rolling over and going back to sleep I got up as I didn't want to go back to the dream. I wonder if anyone has any insight into what this dream means. (A help me out here if you are reading....)


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