It has been a very long week.
I have been doing a lot of thinking. I have had a few very difficult moments. I'm still reading Final Gifts; and while I am inspired by the stories it is also bringing a lot to the surface. I guess that is good and will help me process things, but in the moment it hurts. As I read the chapter "Preparing for Travel or Change" I had an epiphany of sorts. This chapter is a study of the language the dying use to indicate that they are preparing for their final journey. It looks at the symbolism of the words. Logically when a dying person speaks of maps, passports, and trips they clearly are not speaking of something that they can do in this moment. For the family and loved ones who are in the moment of these conversations the interpretation is usually quite literal. Often families relate the conversations to past travels or experiences when in actuality the conversations are much larger than the literal interpretation. Often the dying are seeking permission to take the final journey and may even be craving conversations with loved ones about the process. I so wished that I had this book a week before it came. I think it would have helped me help Dad. I think of the conversation we had either the Sunday or Monday before he died. We spoke of a plan to go out the following Friday for a ride. We were just going to ride around town and as Dad said "See what kind of trouble we can get into". Now had I read this chapter prior to this conversation and been thinking more rationally I would have realized what it meant. It has been years since we went out just for a ride. Any time we would go out it would be for some sort of doctors appointment. In retrospect I think he knew. He knew his journey on this earth was ending and he would be transitioning onto the next life. I know that I did the best I could but if I had realized then I would have done things a little differently. I would have stayed with him. I picture him alone and afraid at night and it breaks my heart. I should have spent the night. I should have known but I didn't. It makes me so sad.
On top of all of these feelings today marks the 9th anniversary of my Mum's death. It's like the blink of an eye. I miss them both every day.