Tuesday, January 5, 2010

One Month

One month ago today Dad passed away. I can't believe that it has only been a month. It feels like such a very long time. Over the past week I have had several dreams about Dad. In the dreams he seems so alive, right there, like I could reach out and hug him. Dreams can be so cruel. In ten days it will be nine years since Mum died. She has been in my dreams too. The last dream I had they were together. It was comforting. It's interesting that in my dreams they are not young, they are as they were when they were last together in life. I do miss them both so much but life must continue. It is a different life. It will take time become accustomed to this new life. I am here; alive, breathing, thinking, doing. I know they would want me to live. How to do that without feeling guilty is the question. The guilt is not a survivor's type of guilt. It is the kind of guilt you get when you are enjoying yourself and then remember that your loved one is gone..... It is all very complicated.

5 comments:

C said...

Goodness, Barb! I have been away from the blog for so long. I'm so sorry for your loss. I cried when I read this post. I truly understand that very last sentence of your post. You're right. It is very complicated.

When my aunt (whom I was very close to) died of ovarian cancer a few years ago, my entire family flew to the Philippines for her funeral. She died in Canada, but her wish was to be brought back to the Philippines. We were all at her bedside when she passed away and we had to honour her wishes. It was so hard to see her slip away right before our eyes.

It was such a chaotic time (her body + coffin got lost en route and several airlines and several days and several countries later, she finally ended up in the Philippines! How horrible is that?). Anyway, after all of the exhaustion, shock, sadness, etc...we decided to go on a mini vacation. We went to a resort to rest. We had a blast.

Then it hit me. We were all celebrating and enjoying ourselves on a beautiful resort island while we were supposed to be mourning the death of a loved one. I was tormented by that for a very long time.

It finally dawned on me years later that my aunt would have wanted us to be happy and remember her in happy times.

Thinking of you and your family. Much love from this end of the blogosphere! xo

Barbara said...

C, thanks for your kind words. What a time you had with your Aunt's situation. Nothing like making a difficult time even worse!

I think you are so right in that our loved ones would want us to be happy and remember them in happy times. It can be such a challenge to hold on to that thought Not sure why.

I hope your canine baby is feeling better. I'll be checking in with you at your blog later. Now I'm off to start my day.

Peace!

Ann said...

Barbara, I'm so sorry about your father. It's never easy to lose a parent. I've lost both of mine (my father nearly 50 years ago, my mother nearly 11), and life does go on, but there's always that poignant sadness.

Ann said...

Now, I know I just commented. But I went back and read your post more carefully. Maybe you know how strongly I feel about dreams. And I've had dreams about "my dead people." After much time, I believe they are truly visitations to us, usually to reassure that all is well. If your parents were vibrant and alive in your dreams, then I believe they are still vibrant and alive -- just not in the same way we know in this life. I feel very strongly that physical, earthly death does not end life for us -- only changes it. Hope this doesn't offend in any way.

Barbara said...

Ann I believe as you do about dreams. I think that in our dream state there is a thin veil between our world and the next and I do believe our loved ones come to us in our dreams. I think it is a blessing to see them again and know they are safe and somehow with us even though we don't have them here in a physical way.

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