Thinking

Well it was a busy weekend.  I spent Friday working on my Sub application as well as some continuing education classes.  I'm working on a science class that is very interesting.  It really amounts to background knowledge so that teachers are better able to teach content to their students.  It is certainly fun to learn something new and a bit out of my direct field.  I have also signed up for an online class that looks at positive discipline in the classroom.  It is always good to brush up on skills and this grad class will give me more than 60 PDP's for my recertification.  I'm looking forward to getting the work done so that I can have all my paperwork together in order to complete that application and submit it to the DOE.

I also spent some time over at 40 M this weekend installing the window treatments downstairs.  I completed the task singlehandedly.   Being able to use power tools and complete 'construction' type tasks that were once left to the 'honey do list' is quite empowering.  I love how cozy the rooms feel now that their windows are dressed!  The treatments are simple but warm and welcoming.  I will try to get over there tomorrow and take some pictures.  I wish someone would rent our lovely home.

I have also been thinking about family,  specifically family of origin.  I've run into my brother a couple of times over the past several months and it has thrown me for a loop.  It is clear that when we do run into each other he has no interest in talking.  I am always pleasant and friendly ready with a kind 'Hello' and smile.  He greets me as if I am an acquaintance with whom he'd rather not chat.  It hurts me deeply.  I have for months blamed this distance on his wife, but now I'm beginning to think that I have been wrong. I think he holds everything against me...his place in life...his lack of stability.   I guess I understand that he could be upset that I ended up with the house, but I paid for his share.  Honestly according to the attorney I overpaid.  It was my brother that suggested we buy him out.   My family has gone into extreme debt to buy my brother out and renovate the home that built me.  Financially we are in the most precarious place we have ever been.  I think that in his mind we don't struggle when in fact we have always worked very hard for all that we have in our lives....making sacrifices and carful decisions.  Perhaps from the outside what I have with my family looks ideal.   I am here to say that it is not.  I wish that he would understand and have a conversation with me so that we could mend the divide.   I am fairly certain he will not have that conversation.  He is not strong enough.  I wish I were strong enough to let it go and fully eliminate him from my life, but I am weak too.

I find it interesting that as I have lost my relationship with my brother that the relationship with my sisters is flourishing.  We talk or text regularly and hope to spend some time together during Thanksgiving break.  They are struggling with the coming loss of their step Dad.  He was Dad to them and he has been sick for quite some time.  He is in hospice now and they are waiting.  My heart aches for them and their other siblings.  In particular their younger sister who age has been his caretaker.   I know what she is going through and wish I could help in some way.  The best I can do is send prayers and positive energy.

So there is a lot of thinking going on.... thinking about plans for the future,  financial stability, family, change.....

I hope your minds are at rest tonight.

Peace!