Zoom, Zoom, Baby!

So I broke down and picked up a zoom lens for my slr digital camera. I love it! I was unsure about the purchase, however after using it just twice I am in love with my new zoom. It takes beautiful photos. I tried it out in the yard just randomly taking shots of nature. The results are lovely. I was worried that the focus would be finicky, but not so. Yesterday n and I went to my school and took some shots of the baby owls and some flowers. It was so much fun! Without any tweaking I love the results. What do you think?

Friday Fill Ins

1. I was excited to recieve my 70-300 Olympus zoom today and een happier with the first results.

2. The shit hit the fan and I left my book in the can.(sorry this just came to me and I couldn't think of anything else)

3. Why do some people work so hard for what they have while others expect things to be given to them as if they are entitled.

4. Family was in my thoughts today.

5. One of my father's favorite sayings was give me a break.

6. Stress--I know that feeling!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to pizza and tv, tomorrow my plans include waiting for my new couch and a trip to Cupcake Charlies and Sunday, I want to get out and take more pictures with my new zoom!

Fluffy

My Dad's cat Fluffy is up for adoption. I posted info on FB last night and two of my cousins are willing to take her. I am beyond thrilled. Having her stay in the family would be wonderful. Dad loved this cat soooo much. He would look into Fluffy's eyes with such love. When he was alive the cat didn't give anyone but him the time of day. She would jump up on his lap and "punch" in on his chubby tummy. He would look down at her and kiss her on his nose. She was his love and companion. She would play with us and allow us to pat her sometimes. Since he passed she has been much more friendly, probably out of loneliness. So in honor of Dad, Fluffy and loving family... I thought I'd post a bunch of pictures of the girl of the hour.

Drama

I am exhausted by the drama that is my brother and the process of selling Dad's house. My brother is grasping at straws trying to stay in the house. If there were a viable way for him to purchase the house, buy me out so to speak, I would be all for that, however there does not seem to be a viable, honest way for this to happen. I'm tired of the schemes and shenanigans. I just want him to man up, take responsibility and move forward. It will only serve him well in the long run. Cutting the enabling chord is one of the most difficult things I've done and I wish my parents did it long ago. I feel like I'm bleeding on the inside. My body is tense. My insides are shaking. My outlook feels cynical and pessimistic. This is not the me I know. I miss that me and desperately want to find her before she disappears.

To make life even more interesting.... Grammy, R's Grandmother who moved to New Hampshire basically to spite her daughter in law about two years ago just found out that her assisted living facility is closing it's doors and she needs to be out by the end of May! She left a message on my machine saying she is interested in moving to the place close to my house..... I'm not sure I can handle the thought of this never mind the reality!

Peace!

For Your Listening Pleasure.....

I'm very excited that Kina has Boston dates planned! Yay! I am so going to see her and I can't wait.

Wildlife!

I love the wildlife that surrounds my school.

picture by Barbara M. Pagnotti

picture by Barbara M. Pagnotti

picture by Barbara M. Pagnotti

picture by Barbara M. Pagnotti

How fortunate I am to see cardinals, Baltimore orioles, pheobes, gold finches, an occasional bluebird, nesting great horn owls, flocks of turkeys and the latest addition to the list an Eastern Towhee. These creatures bring me such delight.

Peace!

Intervention

Does anyone out there watch the show 'Intervention'? For some reason I am drawn to this show and similar shows. I'm not sure if it makes me feel better because my life isn't as out of control as the lives depicted on the screen or if somehow I recognize myself in the enabling that goes on between family members. Tonight's episode is about a young man who is addicted to gambling. Almost everything he says reminds me of my brother. This young man demands money from his family to fix his financial mistakes. He holds them hostage to the possibility that he will injure himself or do something drastic. He seems to think that the world owes him a living and when things are not going his way it is simply not fair. Broken promises and lies. It is remarkable that grown men feel this way. Certainly he is an addict. I don't look at my brother as an addict but he behaves like one. Can you be addicted to being taken care of by family? addicted to being saved? I wonder.

Peace!

Back to Routine....

Well vacation is over! However the good news is that the kids only have 36 day until Summer Vacation!

The rest of vacation was good. Nails were painted, sleepovers were had, shopping for supplies was completed and signatures were placed on the paperwork to place Dad's house on the market as of May 3rd. Lots was accomplished. Although sad; we are ready to go back to our school routine. (but only for a short time)

We discovered all the movies Netflix has to offer via streaming through the Wii. So many interesting movies. We've watched several over the last days of vacation. One of the movies that touched me was The Horse Boy. It chronicled the story of a family with an autistic son and what they do to help their child. It was an amazing movie.

Well I know I have more to say, but I'm tired and my family is a bit distracting. More to come later.

Peace!

Friday Fill Ins

1. Where are mybabies; I turned around and now they are big kids?
2. If wishes were horses I'd have an entire stable full.
3. I'd like to see the seven wonders of the world.
4. When I was a teen, I thought 40 was way old, boy was I wrong!
5. One of my mother's favorite sayings was chuck you farly your not so muckin fuch!(she only said it once in a while but when she did you knew something was up)
6. I'd have a hard time doing without my coffee.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to a burger at Friendly's, tomorrow my plans include meeting with the realtor and sending n on another playdate and Sunday, I want to relax!

Vacation Week

Well vacation week has been relatively peaceful. The children and I have enjoyed spending lazy mornings together in our pj's watching tv or playing Wii. It has been relaxing.

On Tuesday we went to a local theater that offers $6.25 tickets for all shows playing on Tuesdays. It is located in Sandwich off exit two over the bridge. Unfortunately they are doing work on the bridge so getting over was a bit of a headache. I foolishly took the highway thinking there wouldn't be traffic mid day on a Tuesday. Oops! I was wrong. No worries we made it to the movies in plenty of time to see our pick of the day; How to Train Your Dragon. It was one of the best animated pictures I have watched in a long time. Happily I took back roads home and was able to sneak onto the highway via the ramp near the Christmas Tree Shop.

It felt like a triumph as I looked in my rear view mirror and saw traffic backed up for miles!





Wednesday was an at home day. Again we hung out and played Mario for Wii. Later in the day we walked to the beach. N took a detour and decided to play over a friends house for the afternoon. n and I enjoyed our time at the beach although sadly the sand from last summer is gone replaced with many rocks of various sizes. Maybe if we get another good storm the sand will return. Much of our afternoon was spent working on a bride/groom childhood slide show. R is going to be filming and creating a wedding story DVD for one of my co workers who is getting married this summer. He is doing the work at an extremely discounted rate in order to use a sampling from the DVD for his demo. Part of the package that we are providing is the slide show. n and I had fun listening to a wide variety of music and we worked together to edit the product on Final Cut. The final piece was great. After that work we cleaned like crazy to prepare for our meeting with this same couple to go over details. It went well. I can see us working as a family to make additional money if R can get this side business up and running. I would love to see it turn into a full time gig. We'll see. If you know anyone in MA who is getting married and wants a videographer at a great price let me know!

Today was enjoyable. Again a leisurely morning. I chatted with my friend C for a bit and then we all got ready and dropped n at her friends house for a play date from 11 to 4. N and I sat and chatted with J for about an hour and I happily played with her newest addition to the family; a beautiful 5 month old baby boy. Holding him brought me back. Now I am sitting and relaxing. N has a buddy from the neighborhood over for the night and n and I will be watching Survivor and snacking in just a little bit. R is off with his friend at the Sox game.

Life is good.

Peace!

Progress.!

Well today we headed over to Dad's expecting to do a bunch of work by ourselves. R and I were pleasantly surprised to see the brother and SIL had already been hard at work. Much of the old furniture had been broken down and placed into the dumpster. We went through some more clothes, packed things up for good will and did a bit of cleaning. All that is going into the dumpster from inside Dad's part of the house has been moved. Now brother and SIL will have to organize all the stuff they have in the living room. Hopefully that will be completed over the next few days and next weekend I'll go in and get the heavy cleaning done. My brother has a friend who is loaning him a heavy piece of equipment to level ff the side yard. I think it will improve the value of the property as the weeds and old dead branches will be covered over. We shall see. At the very least things were companionable. You never would have known that there had been threatening conversations and demands regarding money just two days before. Nothing was even mentioned. Things are calm now. I'm sure they will flare up again before we complete this process.

Peace!

From Daily Om

Sometimes you get what you need.

Earlier today I called our local Hospice looking for information regarding grief counseling for 'n' and maybe me too. After leaving a message on voice mail I walked down to get the mail. Well in the mail was a letter from the woman for whom I just left a message. The first lines read "Though some months have passed, you and your family have not been forgotten by all of us here at Cranberry Hospice. .... " Boy did I need to hear that.

Then just minutes ago I opened this message from my Daily Om subscription. I don't always open their emails but I think I was meant to read this particular piece.

Sometimes you get what you need. This in itself is reassuring.

April 16, 2010
Burdensome Feelings
Blaming Others

Blaming sets up a situation in which it becomes difficult to move forward and puts resolution in the hands of others.

As we begin to truly understand that the world outside of us is a reflection of the world inside of us, we may feel confused about who is to blame for the problems in our lives. If we had a difficult childhood, we may wonder how we can take responsibility for that, and in our current relationships, the same question arises. We all know that blaming others is the opposite of taking responsibility, but we may not understand how to take responsibility for things that we don’t truly feel responsible for. We may blame our parents for our low self-esteem, and we may blame our current partner for exacerbating it with their unconscious behavior. Objectively, this seems to make sense. After all, it is not our fault if our parents were irresponsible or unkind, and we are not to blame for our partner’s bad behavior.

Perhaps the problem lies with the activity of blaming. Whether we blame others or blame ourselves, there is something aggressive and unkind about it. It sets up a situation in which it becomes difficult to move forward under the burdensome feelings of shame and guilt that arise. It also puts the resolution of our pain in the hands of someone other than us. Ultimately, we cannot insist that someone else take responsibility for their actions; only they can make that choice when they are ready. In the meantime, if we want to move forward with our lives instead of waiting around for something that may or may not happen, we begin to see the wisdom of taking the situation into our own hands.

We do this by forgiving our parents, even if they have not asked for our forgiveness, so that we can be free. We end the abusive relationship with our partner, who may never admit to any wrongdoing, because we are willing to take responsibility for how we are treated. In short, we love ourselves as we want to be loved and create the life we know we deserve. We leave the resolution of the wrongs committed against us in the hands of the universe, releasing ourselves to live a life free of blame.

And It Continues....

Sorry, but another rant is coming. Looking for something uplifting and well written? Check some of the links on the sidebar because this post is not going to do it for you....


The emails from my brother continue. I did not respond to the first email. The second email informed me that SIL will be running out of her prescription and his check won't cover the meds, hot water and heat. I should have left it alone and not responded but I didn't!

I basically questioned him about how he would pay any funds back, what happened to the funds he received on January 11th and told him that I would not take money from the mortgage funds. There was much more said that I won't go into here. I'm probably sharing too much info already. The final thing I did say in my response was that I didn't think it was right that he was putting this on my shoulders. Well of course I received an email response this morning. It reminds me of what I have seen on the show Addicted. When an addict is faced with the truth they get angry and lash out. That was the tone of the latest email. It insinuated that I have never helped them and that I don't care about his kids, even though I'm all about 'kids' a reference to my work with Stand for Children, I think. Sigh! Part of his email felt a bit threatening. It seems he is feeling desperate. I've decided to return to him the $200.00 he signed over to me to deposit into Dad's account in December. It was a check for back vacation time that he couldn't cash due to a freeze on his checking account. That is all I am willing to do. $1200.00 a month should be sufficient to pay utilities and food. I have my own family to provide for I shouldn't have to provide for his family too. My entire being says not to give him the 200.00 but I don't know what else to do. This is so difficult. Advise from anyone would be most helpful.

Praying for Peace!

Guilty, Guilty, Guilty

So if you don't want to hear more about my dysfunctional family of origin you should click right off this post and come back another day for a more uplifting, positive post.

So you have been warned.

Well just checked my email. I knew there would be repercussions from the decision I spoke of in my last post. So he played the 'kid' card. "Well I just don't understand how you could make that decision when the kids are involved"...... blah, blah, blah. I have decided to not respond to the email right now. I might tomorrow, or maybe not.

Now I feel even more guilty. But as my dear friend 'C' said to me earlier I can't feel guilty. They are in the situation that they are in because of their decisions and choices and years of enabling. They could give up smoking and drinking and save about $400.00 a month. That figure would pay these bills my brother speaks of.

I feel badly because the kids are involved. However, shouldn't they learn now that they need to make responsible choices. Chances are that the only thing they will glean from this experience and their parents is how heartless I am! You see if Dad were alive it wouldn't be an issue because he paid for the oil and gas and all the other household bills, they paid nothing. Reality is setting in or at least is should.

I will try to stay strong.

I hope I am making the right decision.

Sigh!

Peace!