It Feels Like Summer!

I remember the summers when  I was a young girl and boy were they hot!  They felt very much like the weather we are experiencing this week.  I remember the box fans and occasional ocean breeze that were the main method of relief from the heat.  It seems to me that we had long stretches of hazy, hot and humid weather.  Mum and I would sit in the kitchen together trying to catch that illusive breeze.  I remember lazy days spent reading books, playing Scrabble, sunbathing on the deck, walking to the beach, playing with friends and eating tomatoes right off the vine sprinkled with a little salt.  Did I say the words 'I'm bored.' ?  I'm sure I must have but I honestly don't remember being bored.  Summer was a time filled with fun and freedom.  It was a different time back then.  Parents didn't worry if their kids walked down the neighborhood streets to play at a friends' house all day.  We didn't even have to call and set up play dates.  We just went and knocked on the door.  If our friends couldn't play we came home.  I remember the ships bell that hung next to the kitchen door.  The distinct ring of that bell would call my brother and me home for lunch or for our evening meal.  Oh the memories.   I so desperately want my children to have fond memories of their childhood summers.  That is what i am thinking about as I listen to n and her friend l playing Wii in the living room.  Singing, laughing and having fun together.   Making memories, fostering friendships, creating family traditions and spending quality time together before they need to move away from the closeness we have now;  that is what this summer is all about.

What is your summer about this year?

Peace!

And it Continues!

So while we were busy making memories this weekend, the drama I have been expecting, anticipating even since Dad died happened this weekend.  Sigh.

R has been working very hard with the entire family's best interest at heart to market and show Papa's house.  Sadly the house is in a significant state of disrepair.  Even so many people have seen the post on Craig's list and are coming to see the house.  Saturday was just such a day.  A woman who was interested in possibly renting/leasing to own came down from near Boston to see the house.  R showed her around and was answering questions.  Prior to her arrival my brother was upstairs talking with R.  R invited him to stay and be a part of the conversation but he opted to go back downstairs.   It was our thought that if someone rents to own then it would give my brother and his family the option of staying downstairs.  I'm not sure if this was communicated or heard by him as during the showing he heard R talking about 'tenant at will' in reference to the downstairs.  The woman was fine with that until my brother come outside and started yelling upstairs about how R was trying to screw him and that he wasn't a tenant at will.  The truth is he signed a lease and he is a tenant at will.  The reason we did a lease was so that they could get aid from the state which they never pursued.  Suffice it to say that we will not be hearing from our potential buyer again.  She practically ran out of the house.

R was pretty much attacked by both my SIL and my brother.  I won't go into details here because the details don't really matter.  There is some serious mental illness going on over at that home and I feel awful about what was said to R and the fact that my niece and nephew witnessed the fight.  I am just grateful that it did not turn physical.  I worry for my brother and for my niece and nephew.  When I think of all the times I have helped them and how they treated R, I am sickened.  I don't know that my relationship with my brother will ever be the same and I am certain that I no longer want any kind of relationship with his wife.

The good news is that the Cambridge couple may still be interested in the house.  I hope that we hear from them tomorrow and can sign the house over.  It would be a huge relief.

Peace!

4th of July

Happy Independence Day!

Thanks to all the men and women who have given so much so that we can enjoy our freedom. 

photo by my SIL AP

A Visit in my Dreams

Lately dreams have been my nemesis. I have been plagued over the last few months with disturbing and unsettling dreams. Today however was different. I awoke this morning from the most wonderful dream about my Mother in Law Anita. Anita passed away 3 weeks after n was born. At the end of this summer we will have spent 10 years without her wonderful presence here on earth. She was one of the most generous and genuine women I have ever known. She had a truly unique personality and sense of humor. At times I see her in both of my children and certainly in my husband. I wish that she had known my children and been able to watch them grow into the people they are today. It is dreams like the one I am about to describe that reaffirm my belief that our loved ones do see and remain with us but in a different way.

We were home. My sister in law A was with us, visiting I suppose. The children were younger than they are now. n was in the kitchen with me and N was in the tv room playing with toys on the floor. I heard a car pull into the driveway and I stepped out the side door of the kitchen to see Anita. She looked beautiful. She stepped out of her car and started walking up the drive with a male client following behind. In my dream it was her heavier self but she looked so healthy and walked with spring in her step. She turned to her client and told him to behave when he went into the house. She climbed the steps and walked into our kitchen and looked down at n. She smiled and said "Oh isn't she so cute". Then she and her client walked into the house. She turned to the young man and told him to go talk with R. I then turned and said that R was in the shower.

At this point singing woke me from my visit. I turned and R had just finished his shower and was singing and getting ready for the day. Normally I would have rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. I just couldn't I felt compelled to get up and tell him about my visit with Ma. He was excited for me that I had just experienced such a lovely dream.

What a wonderful way to start my day.

Stories

I wish that I could remember all the stories I heard as a child. There were so many. Stories about my parents and their experiences as children. Stories about how they met and what they experienced together. Birth stories, family anecdotes and funny little remembrances that were ripe for the taking. If only I could remember each one. If only I could have a second chance to record that precious family history.

The following is a story I remember my Dad telling me on many an occasion. It was a frequently requested story as I remember. Not all the details are clear but the picture is so vivid in my minds eye. And the story goes....

Before my parents met Dad threw all caution to the wind and purchased a little cottage by the ocean not far from the cape.

Back in the day Dad spent time at the cottage with his friends and family. My Uncle John spent time at the cottage with his family. The cottage was enjoyed by all. Dad even took Mum to the cottage for a date. If memory serves Dad ran out of gas and I think they spent the night at the cottage. I'm sure that event created quite the backlash. Anyway I digress. So after Mum and Dad were married they kept the cottage but at some point decided to rent the cottage. Well the time came when Mum and Dad decided they would create a life for themselves and their family by the sea in that tiny little cottage. They would make it a home. Unfortunately the renters had a different idea. They didn't want to leave. They downright refused. Not only did they refuse they went so far as trashing the house. Nothing my parents did would convince these people to leave so Dad took it into his own hands. At the time and for many years to follow Dad drove a Cadillac. So Dad and his brother as well as a friend(can't remember if it was his best man Dick Whiteside) took a ride down to the cottage, from the city. They were a motley crew. So motley in fact that the police stopped by to see what was going on that evening down at the cottage. Once the police found out the story they were more than willing to help from what I remember of the story. In the end the tenants left, the house was raised and a family made a home.

Peace!

Nanny and Papa Birds

Well I guess this post is going to start off a bit differently than I had originally thought.

'n' and I just came out on the back deck to enjoy the fruits of our labor(more about that later). No sooner had we both sat down then Nanny Bird and Papa Bird arrive. First it was just Nanny Bird and I didn't see her until 'n' pointed her out. She was sitting on the branch of an oak tree only 8 feet away from our deck. I'll take a photo later.

In case you are wondering about Nanny bird, I'll explain. My Mum's favorite bird was the cardinal, especially the bright red male. When my Mum was living we hardly ever saw cardinals in the yard. We had blue jay families, morning doves and little house sparrows but never any cardinals. The year she died, after she died the cardinals came to my yard and they have been here ever since. The male cardinals have been affectionately named 'Nanny Bird'. It's the craziest thing. I can be sitting in my living room with the windows open and I'll hear his call. I can almost always find him. What is even stranger is that when I whistle his call or call his name it's like he understands me and either calls back or if he is close enough he looks at me and tilts his head and many times he will fly to where I am sitting if I'm outside. I know you probably think I'm nuts but I'm completely telling the truth! So now my story gets even stranger.... Up until this year we have never seen the female cardinal. She is out there but never comes around. Well since Dad passed away the female is coming around. So now we have 'Nanny Bird' the red male cardinal and we have 'Papa Bird' the plain female cardinal. It's like they are finally together.

So I have digressed from my story. 'Nanny Bird' is on the tree and I'm talking to her/him, whatever... anyway I would swear the bird is responding to my words! "Hi Nanny Bird, how are you? etc." Well all of a sudden the female arrives and they sit even closer to us on the deck maybe 5 feet away in the branch that overhangs the deck! It brought tears to my eyes! They stayed on the branch for several minutes as we basked in their presence before they flew back into the woods.

Seeing the birds was a wonderful way to end a productive and rewarding day filled with quality time with both of my children and time spent outdoors digging in the dirt. N has been craving attention from both R and me. Today I spent time with him playing one of his favorite video games; Little Big Planet. Out of all of his video games I find this one to be the most entertaining. Playing with him can be difficult as he is an expert and I am only a beginner. It is a good lesson in patience for both of us when we play together. Later in the day he and R went out in search of an AC for N's room, leaving n and I home alone. We were excited to have the house to ourselves. We spent the afternoon outside working on the many planters that have remained empty until today. It felt so good to have my hands in the soil and share the experience with n. She enjoyed it just as much. Yesterday we spent the afternoon together visiting our favorite treat shop Cupcake Charlie's and then picking out flowers at Home Depot. On the drive home she said "I love going out with you Mum, I just love, love, love it!"

Making memories. Isn't that what summer is all about!

On Acceptance

I found the following quote from Women as Rest .

"We do not move forward by resisting what is undesirable in our life today. We move forward, we grow, we change by acceptance. Overcome not by force; overcome by surrender. The battle is fought, and won, inside ourselves. We must go through it until we learn, until we accept, until we become grateful, until we are set free." ~Alan Equality Tomkins

Today this quote really speaks to me. Change, growth and acceptance are huge themes in my life right now.

"We do not move forward by resisting what is undesirable in our life today." I have been feeling stuck, resistant, like the child who refuses his parents request time and time again. I won't face it and you can't make me. That's how I feel these days. I avoid my brother and conversations regarding the sale of Dad's house. The entire situation makes me feel ill at ease and physically sick to my stomach. I find myself irritable, anxious and easily upset when thinking about the house and the sales process, so avoidance has become my friend. Through this avoidance I am not changing the situation or helping myself.

We move forward, we grow, we change by acceptance. I think there is a big part of me that would like to climb under my covers and pretend that Dad never died and all of this is just a figment of my imagination. On the surface it looks like I have accepted what has happened and that I have moved on-whatever that means. I guess I have to really accept that things are different on an internal, spiritual and gut level; Mum and Dad are gone and it is a reality that the house is being sold. Not only is it being sold but the folks who are in the process of putting together an offer are planning on taking the house down and putting up a prefab. My childhood home will be gone forever. Serious change to push through. As I think about acceptance I realize that going back almost ten years when my dear MIL and my own Mum passed away I never truly had to accept those losses. I was distracted by my very young children who needed my attention, my grieving husband who needed my attention and my dear father who was destroyed by the death of my Mum. I guess by taking care of all of these people who truly deserved the care I gave I was able go avoid doing the work myself to move toward acceptance.

"Overcome not by force; overcome by surrender." Perhaps pushing through is the wrong approach. How do I surrender into it when it is still so raw. I am a fighter with strong convictions and opinions. I don't easily change my mind once it is set. I don't like to give in... I guess I have to learn how to surrender. The problem with that is it opens one up to vulnerability, pain, grief, the unknown. Is it this process that has me so utterly exhausted?

"The battle is fought, and won, inside ourselves." I am such an internal battler, if that makes any sense to anyone out there. I hate and avoid confrontation in daily life but go inside my head on just about any day of the week and at some point during the day a battle is ensuing. Should I do this, should I do that, what if I say this and then he says that, If I do this then so and so will feel that..... Sometimes I literally have to tell myself out loud to Stop! This is not a recent trait that has come with the death of my father. I have been like this my entire life. Sadly much of what goes on inside my head includes catastrophizing the situation. It is always the worst case scenario that plays out in my minds eye, even when I know it is irrational. So I am more than familiar with the battle within. It is time to change the tape.

"We must go through it until we learn, until we accept, until we become grateful, until we are set free." This sentence brings me to tears and I am not sure why. Something else to think about.

Peace!

Wordless Wednesday

Time, Time, Time

Well I've had so many things that I wanted to blog about over the last couple of weeks, but time has slipped away. We have been in negotiations with buyers regarding Dad's house and I must say it is simply exhausting. I feel like I've been wrung through and emotional roller coaster.

So I just thought I'd stop in and add a quick post so that everyone who does visit knows that all is ok. Just crazy. Hopefully things will resolve themselves and I will be able to get back to my daily writing practice. Wish me luck.

Peace!

Elliseville Harbor State Park

New Look

So what do you think of the new look? I was checking out the new Design tab in blogger and I ended up loosing my old formatting so.... I had no choice I had to go with a new look.

I think I like it. I wish I could use my own photo for the background. I'll have to do some research and see if I can figure it out.

Peace!

Friday Fill Ins

#180

1. Spending the day walking, talking and taking photos with a dear one feels great.
2. The solution eludes me, let me know when you figure it out!
3. I like to fall asleep with the windows open, the fan blowing and under soft covers.
4. How about we skip the hormonal teenage years and go right to when we are all happy and friendly again?
5. Spending time by the ocean is something I highly recommend!
6. Imagine all the people.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to relaxing, tomorrow my plans include Cupcake Charlies, Tiny Boxes and picking up some flowers_ and Sunday, I want to plant, plant, plant!



Peace!

Computer Troubles!

Well it has been several days since I last posted or even visited any of my blog friends. My laptop computer has been going on the fritz. I have only had sporadic internet access with my laptop and as it is my main personal computer and the computer I prefer to use when posting on my blog I have not been posting. I do have access via R's computer as well as the children's computer but I have to steal time on both of these computers and often have only a quick minute to check email or FB. I did spend time today ordering my new laptop. I have been captured by the other side and have ordered an apple mac book pro. I am very excited. After all my computer is at least 5 years old and I am overdue for an update. I added a couple of high interest programs. I'll be managing my photos with Aperture. Aperture is Apple's competition to Adobe's Lightroom. I did some research, perhaps not enough as I should have downloaded Aperture and tried it out but from what I read that Aperture is comparable to Lightroom and it is significantly less expensive. I'm planning on using it for my personal photos and then using i photo for school photos. I'm also hoping to get an external hard drive. I also added the Microsoft Office for Apple. I went back and forth between this and iWork and decided that I'd stick with what I know. I think that I will have the best of both worlds. Finally I added Final Cut so that I can create and edit movies. Now 'm thinking of upgrading the memory on my old laptop in order to have two working laptops. We'll see.

I have much more to blog about but the kids and I are watching Aliens in the Attic so I'm going to go and enjoy the movie.

Peace!

Happy Anniversary

Forty two years ago today my parents were married. For the last 9 years this anniversary has largely gone uncelebrated and perhaps even forgotten by choice. I never mentioned it to my Dad. I did not want to make him feel any more loss than he already felt. He didn't always remember the day of the week or the date so it seemed compassionate to let the day go by without notice. Today I have thought of my parents a lot. In my mind I picture them celebrating their special day together again after being separated for so many years.

Happy 42nd anniversary Mum and Dad. May you dance among the stars together for now and always. I love you and miss you both every day.

Peace!